Working It Out
Does exercising together make us stronger teammates or stronger competitors?
“Keep up!”
“Slow down!”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
Exercise has an uncanny ability to turn loving partners into unsolicited personal trainers. But is that because working out together creates conflict, or because it reveals patterns that were already there?
After spending 30 minutes looking up clips of couples from The Amazing Race on YouTube, I can confidently recommend not auditioning for a reality TV show if your goal is a long and happy relationship. Then again, they probably cast couples with a flair for drama. But that’s not my point.
In my own relationship I have seen both highs and lows of working out together. The end of one long run featured me and Anna bickering at each other during a bathroom emergency1 as other runners passed us by. Other hikes and runs have been some of our best moments together.
So, should we prioritize exercising together in our relationships or not?
The Science of Movement and Love
A fascinating study from 2021 followed 95 couples for fourteen days and asked about their exercise habits. Each day, the researchers asked whether they exercised together or apart, how positive they felt during and after exercise, and how satisfied they were with their relationship.
The results were clear: on days where couples exercised together, they experienced more positive emotion during the exercise, more positive emotion throughout the day, and greater relationship satisfaction.2
What’s especially interesting is that this was only true on the days they exercised together. In other words, exercising together appears to create a same-day benefit rather than a lasting halo effect.
This finding fits a broader pattern in relationship science: how much time a couple spends together is not an especially strong predictor of relationship satisfaction, and that a better predictor is engaging in shared leisure activities both partners enjoy.3
Clearly, exercising together can bring meaningful benefits to a relationship.
So, how can you bring exercise into your relationship in a way that works?
Couples That Move
I’m going to highlight three fun ways to think differently about exercising together: make it easier, make it novel, and make it conversational.
Reduce Friction: Join Your Partner
Talk with your partner about the exercise activities that you each do and see if either of you would be interested in joining together for one of them. Then make a list of the sources of friction that would get in the way. For example, you might need to change the time of a workout, buy a second set of weights, or set gear out the night before. Typically the biggest obstacle to a shared exercise activity is not desire but inertia.
Create Novelty: The Activity Date
Have a monthly “activity date” where you pick a new exercise activity to try together. Fun options include pickleball, local run clubs, golf courses, and exercise classes. In addition to giving you something to consistently look forward to, novel and exciting activities are like rocket fuel for your relationship: they are often why we get together in the first place, and they keep us feeling alive, expansive, and connected.
Spark Insight: The Creativity Walk
Commit to one walk each week, ideally outside,4 where the goal is conversation rather than exercise. One of the most common habits I heard in my interviews with 100 couples was how many of them do their best thinking together while walking or hiking. Research supports this approach: people generate more creative ideas while walking than while sitting.5 Over time, this simple habit can help you find new approaches whenever you feel stuck in addition to providing all the benefits of exercising with your partner.
So, should couples exercise together? If it’s an activity you both enjoy, the evidence says yes. Just remember that the goal isn’t to find the perfect workout - it’s to find more ways to move through life together.
Is that an appropriate euphemism? This makes me think of the old Mastercard commercials about there being some things money cannot buy…it was truly priceless. Also, note that I didn’t specify who had the emergency!
Sackett-Fox, K., Gere, J., & Updegraff, J. A. (2021). Better together: The impact of exercising with a romantic partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(11), 3078–3096. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211012086
Crawford, D. W., Houts, R. M., Huston, T. L., & George, L. J. (2002). Compatibility, leisure, and satisfaction in marital relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(2), 433–449. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00433.x
The research highlights that being outside has its own, albeit smaller, impact on increasing creativity (see the reference below). But with the air quality over 200 AQI in Portland right now, I’m acutely aware that this may not be possible for many of us.
Oppezzo, M., & Schwartz, D. L. (2014). Give your ideas some legs: The positive effect of walking on creative thinking. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 40(4), 1142–1152. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0036577