Do you remember your first kiss? Your first date? Your first…sorry, this is a family production!
It turns out that firsts aren’t just a temporary feature of new relationships. Instead, these firsts help form the backbone of our relationships.
I became curious about this concept back in the early days of covid, when I was abruptly working from home with my wife, our dog, and our newborn son. Life started to feel like a treadmill: I was slogging my way through the day and it began to dawn on me that between all the restrictions on activities we could do and the responsibilities of work and parenting, I was sensing distance in our relationship even as we were spending more time together.
It’s a constant refrain in relationship guidance: quality time is really important. But what if you have all the time in the world and still don’t feel connected? If this sounds familiar, you're not alone—and more importantly, there's hope. Relationship science has identified a powerful antidote to relationship stagnation that's hiding in plain sight.
Quality Time, Not Quantity Time
There’s a reason why firsts are so important: we are always most captivated by the new, rather than the routine. And as couples grow more familiar and novel experiences happen less often, couples tend to follow a predictable decline. First, you stop noticing each other. Then you stop being curious about each other. Finally, you look across the dinner table and wonder how this exciting person became...furniture.
Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues discovered that the antidote to this stagnation is creating more novel experiences and engaging in new, exciting activities. Their research shows that when partners regularly try new, exciting experiences as a duo, they don't just have fun—they literally change how they feel about their relationship.1 Another study found this improvement wasn’t due to spending more time together; pleasant activities had limited impact on relationship happiness whereas exciting activities had a significant impact.2
But the benefits go deeper than just feeling good in the moment. Aron's studies found that couples who regularly engage in novel activities together report higher relationship satisfaction, increased closeness, and better communication. They're less likely to experience boredom—a significant predictor of relationship problems—and more likely to see their partner as exciting and interesting.
The key word here is "arousing," but not in the way you might think! Researchers mean physiologically arousing: activities that increase your heart rate, push you out of your comfort zone, or challenge you to learn something new together. It's about stepping outside your shared comfort zone as a team.
Think about the last time you did something totally new with your partner. Were you surprised by something they did, or intrigued by how they engaged in something you’d never seen before? Having these types of experiences regularly can make the relationship feel at least somewhat new, no matter how long you’ve been together.
Try The Monthly Adventure Challenge
Here's a big idea to harness this science in your own relationship: Create a "Monthly Adventure Challenge." Each month, commit to trying one completely new activity together. The rules are simple but important:
Make it genuinely novel and challenging. Choose activities neither of you have done before and that require some effort or push your boundaries slightly. If you're both hikers, try salsa dancing. If you love food, try cooking a cuisine you've never attempted. Researchers did this with a group of couples; they provided a list of common activities and having each partner rate each activity from 1 (not exciting) to 5 (very exciting). Then, they instructed couples to only pick activities where both partners rated it 3 or higher.
Take turns choosing. Alternate who selects the monthly adventure. This ensures both partners' interests are represented and adds an element of surprise.
Document the journey and reflect together. Take photos, keep a journal, or create a shared memory book. Research shows that savoring experiences enhances their positive impact.3 After each adventure, talk about what you enjoyed, what surprised you, and how it felt to experience something new as a team.
Beyond the Big Adventure
If you have arranged your life to spend a significant amount of time together, you’re on the right track: couples cited spending time together as the second most important strategy for maintaining their relationships.4 All you’re missing is a dash of novelty.
Remember, this doesn't require extreme sports or expensive trips. Simple changes can be surprisingly effective: take a different route to work together, try a new board game, attend a lecture on a topic neither of you knows much about, or challenge yourselves to a photography walk where you can only take pictures of things you've never noticed before.
The goal isn't to become adrenaline junkies—it's to regularly inject your relationship with the excitement and discovery that was always present during your early days together. When you actively seek new experiences as a couple, you're not just making memories; you're rewiring your brains to see your relationship—and each other—as sources of excitement and growth.
So let’s get out there and commit to adding some new “firsts” to your list as a couple. Please share your new activity commitment in the poll below.
Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
Reissman, C., Aron, A., & Bergen, M. R. (1993). Shared activities and marital satisfaction: Causal direction and self-expansion versus boredom. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/026540759301000205
Smith, J. L., Harrison, P. R., Kurtz, J. L., & Bryant, F. B. (2014). Nurturing the capacity to savor: Interventions to enhance the enjoyment of positive experiences. In A. C. Parks & S. M. Schueller (Eds.), The Wiley Blackwell Handbook of Positive Psychological Interventions (1st ed., pp. 42–65). Wiley. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/9781118315927.ch3
Dindia, K. & Baxter, L.A. (1987) ‘Strategies for Maintaining and Repairing Marital Relationships’, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 4: 143–58.