Love’s Hidden Compass
How your complaints might point the way to greater happiness
What is a recurring complaint about your relationship today that, like a hangnail, you just can’t get rid of?
Mine is wanting Anna to come to bed earlier.1 Over the years, I have found there are two ways I frame this in my head:
First, why doesn’t my partner come to bed at the same time as me every night?
Or second, how can I spend more time snuggling with her?
These two ways of framing an issue are rooted in our deepest human nature. While our modern world may feel light years away from our ancestors on the savannahs of Africa, our underlying genetics have barely changed. We evolved to cope with both environments of abundance (food is plentiful and predators are absent) as well as of scarcity (e.g., an extreme drought), and, unfortunately, we often misread our environment in the modern world with significant consequences.2
This dichotomy of abundance versus scarcity dictates how we think about what we want in our relationships. We either have approach goals, which focus on what we want more of (more snuggle time), and avoidance goals, where we focus on what we want less of (my partner coming to bed late).
Together, these two types of goals act like a hidden compass that quietly shapes our relationship happiness. When we point our compass towards the approach goals we want, instead of the avoidance goals we don’t want, it completely changes how we view our relationships.
The Science of Relationship Goals
Why does it matter how we frame our complaints? Psychologist Emily Impett and her colleagues made a breakthrough discovery about how the types of relationship goals we set matter. They found that people approach their relationships with two distinct goal orientations that predict everything from daily satisfaction and longevity to sexual desire.3
Approach goals focus on pursuing something you want—seeking fun, growth, intimacy, and connection. People with approach goals ask: “How can I get more of the things I do like?”
Avoidance goals focus on preventing something you don’t want—avoiding conflict, rejection, or disappointment. People with avoidance goals ask: “How can I get less of the things I don’t like?”
The research revealed something striking: approach-oriented individuals consistently reported higher relationship satisfaction, felt more responsive to their partners’ needs, and created more positive relationship dynamics. Even more fascinating, their partners also benefited: people dating approach-oriented individuals felt more satisfied and supported, and outside observers confirmed that the approach-oriented couples were happier and more attuned.
The reason approach goals affect us positively is likely that they put us into a state of safety and plenty, allowing us to see new opportunities, appreciate what is good in the relationship, and create space for our partners to address our needs in creative ways. In contrast, avoidance goals cause us to focus on what we lack, feel stuck with what is bothering us, and limit our partner’s potential for creative solutions.
Think about a relationship complaint you have that you have been framing as an avoidance goal. Do you think it is serving you and your relationship today? Let’s explore some alternative ways to frame it.
Shifting Your Relationship Compass
The good news? You can consciously shift from avoidance to approach thinking in three ways:
Reframe Frustrations: Instead of “We need to stop fighting about money,” try “Let’s create a financial plan that excites us both.” Instead of “I don’t want to feel disconnected,” try “I want to build more intimacy between us.”
Shift to “We” Goals: For example, “I’d like to have a shared adventure this weekend that we both enjoy—would you like to hear a few ideas?” Or the opposite request, “I’m feeling a bit tired, what’s a way we could enjoy the weekend that meets both of our needs?” This opens the door to brainstorming for an outcome that meets both parties’ needs.
Scan for Positives: Each day, commit to noticing one thing your partner does well rather than what they do wrong, and compliment them on it. Each week, set one approach goal for your relationship in the coming week and brainstorm three ways that you might accomplish it. For example, “more connection time during dinner” might be accomplished by suggesting a new recipe to cook together, using a conversational game, or a walk after dinner.
Remember my complaint about not coming to bed together? When I learned to shift towards “I want to spend more time snuggling with my partner,” we were able to come up with a creative solution that rebalanced our evening and morning responsibilities so we could both get more of what we wanted. Even better, by reorienting towards what you want in a way that includes both parties, it increases the likelihood you will perceive your partner’s positive qualities.4
Your relationship compass determines your relationship destination. Point it toward what you want to create together, not just what you want to avoid.
What’s one thing you’d like more of in your relationship?
I asked Anna what her hangnail was and it was to stop judging her for using devices and being so grumpy about sugar in the household. I’m much more fun than I sound, I promise!
Credit to psychologist Jonathan Haidt (2024) for how he explains this. Check out his excellent Substack at afterbabel.com and his recent book The Anxious Generation for a much deeper review of this topic.
Are you paying attention now? Sexual desire increased with growth goals, even when the goals were unrelated to intimacy. Here are the references:
Impett, E. A., Gordon, A. M., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., Gable, S. L., & Keltner, D. (2010). Moving toward more perfect unions: Daily and long-term consequences of approach and avoidance goals in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(6), 948-963.
Impett, E. A., Strachman, A., Finkel, E. J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Maintaining sexual desire in intimate relationships: The importance of approach goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(5), 808–823. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.94.5.808
Gosnell, C.L., Gable, S.L. Approach and avoidance goals and perceptions of romantic partners’ traits. Curr Psychol 42, 12594–12603 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-02477-x